The 12 Fs of Postpartum

(they don’t all start with F, but at least they say ‘fffffffff’)

1.         Falling in love with your baby.  I call this the ‘babymoon’ as opposed to the honeymoon.  It is normal to separate yourself from the rest of the world and focus on your new family.  You’ll soon rejoin the rest of the world, but this pulling away time is normal and healthy.  Don’t accept any invitations that you must commit to in the first 3 months......ask if you can kindly decide in the last minute, depending on how you and the baby are doing.  If not, then they loose!!  :)

2.         Physical Changes.  Lots of physical changes taking place.....you will bleed (called Lochia) for anywhere from 10 days to 6 weeks, *very heavy* for the first 2-4 days.  The lochia also has a fairly strong odor.....don‘t think you have an infection, unless other symptoms present.  I have found that the amount of bleeding is directly related to how much Mom is doing......if she over does it, the bleeding will become heavier and lots more cramping.  You also begin to loose lots of hair about 3 months post partum.  Don’t worry, it will grow back....but it can be disconcerting if you weren’t expecting it.  Many women also have a pregnancy scare at this time.....convinced they are......and it’s just because your body is returning to close to back to normal.

3.         Fatigue.  This is *hands down* your worst enemy in the post partum period.  You MUST learn to sleep when the baby sleeps......this is the only way you will even come close to getting 8 hours of sleep within a 24 hr period.  NOTE, I didn’t say 8 hours consecutively.......you’ll be lucky to get 2-3 blocks.  This is exactly why you must learn to sleep around the clock when the baby sleeps.  Or, you’ll be a wreck.  Dads....it’s your job to guard mom in this......don’t let visitors over stay their welcome....don’t let the cares of taking care of the house concern mom right now....either you do it, or ask someone else to.  I am *CONVINCED* that the more mom stays down in the first week (ie, bed to bathroom to couch to lounge chair back to bathroom and bed).....the easier her whole recovery will be.  And if you have stairs in your home......in the first week, just once a day........that’s it.  Pick a floor, and stay there.  You’ll be glad you did!!

4.         Frustration & Fussiness.  You will be frustrated and the baby will be fussy......and you will both take your cues off each other and it will turn into a vicious cycle unless you break out of it.  You need a few minutes sanity when a baby is fussy and you’ve exhausted your ideas for what could be wrong (hunger, diaper, lonely, stray hair wrapped around her toe....ha ha)......she will not die if you put her in her basinet and you escape for a quick shower.  Sometimes you just need to step out of the situation.  You will feel better after a few minutes break, and chances are, the baby will be asleep when you emerge from your shower.  If not, you’ll feel a little better and ready to face her again.

5.         Feeding.  Babies will breastfeed 8-12 times a day.  Sometimes more on growth spurt times (about every 3 weeks).  Babies will be done nursing in 10 minutes or 1 hour.  Unfortunately, this is up to the baby.....there is no sitting down with your baby and discussing this logically......how it would be much more efficient for her to finish her meal in say, 20 minutes.  If you have a longer feeder, count your blessings in that you have a longer time each time to just relax.  :)  It is best to completely feed the baby on demand for the first 4-6 weeks while you are establishing your milk supply.  Rigid schedules are *never* a good idea with babies, but if you want to try a bit of a relaxed schedule, do wait until after this period at least.   Also, if you are planning on using bottles of expressed breastmilk with your baby at some time, it is best to wait to introduce bottles until between this 4-6 week window.  Earlier could cause nipple confusion and mess with the breastfeeding relationship.  Later, and the baby may refuse bottles all together.  Dads......if you come home after work, and it looks as if nothing’s been done that day and you ask Mom what she did all day......if she says ‘fed your child’, say ‘great......thanks.’  Then go do the dishes.  :)

6.         Fluids and Foods.  The first thing that will go if you get the slightest bit dehydrated, is your breast milk.  Be very mindful of your liquid intake.....oh, it will come back if you have a low day, but that day you’ll have hell to pay with your baby who will be hungry and suck just about all day long.  So, make it a habit of bringing a big glass of water with you each time you sit down to nurse.  As for foods, neither one of you is going to feel like cooking those first few weeks...accept help & meals from friends and groups you belong to.......pre-freeze meals in the weeks beforehand so you can just pull them out of the freezer and warm them up each night.....just make sure you remember to feed yourself Mom.....It’s easy to forget in this whirlwind time.

7.         Figure.  Or, post-partum body shock.  :)  You’ll go home looking like you’re 6 months pregnant.  Dad’s the last thing Mom wants to wear is her maternity clothes ANYMORE.  :)  We live in the age of stretch waists.....use them.  You really can’t start exercising for 4-6 weeks.....but don’t worry, your body will come back with a little bit of attention.  Remember, what you gain on the good foods now will come right off.....what you gain on the candy, cookies & cakes will have to be worked off.

8.         Feelings.  Or, after baby blues.  Everyone will cry at least once......some of us will cry much more often.  It’s not from too much hormones, it’s from too few....the hormone cooker otherwise known as the placenta is gone, and it takes your body a good 3 months to regulate again on it’s own without the placenta.  Fatigue also elevates this condition.  The best remedy is first to get lots of rest and eat right......but 2nd is to talk to people........the 4 walls of the house can close in fast.  Join a new mother’s group....most hospitals have free groups that meet once a week, and they’re a lifesaver.   Most hospitals have them, but I've heard great things about the ones at Los Gatos Community and Good Samaritan.  You do not have had to have your baby at those hospitals to attend these free community groups.  I really encourage this.  Dad’s watch Mom, and if she starts getting depressed.....*make* her get out.....she may not feel like it going into it, but she’ll be grateful after.

9.         Father.  Yes, Dad.......you get an F too.  But, that’s all you get.  :)  Everyone asks how the baby is, some people ask how Mom’s doing but no one asks how you are.  :(  You will be exhausted in this period too.......and you may feel like you’ve lost your wife.  I PROMISE she’ll come back......but she won’t be the woman you recognize, emotionally or physically, for about 3 months.  Just be patient.  Many dads will have their own version of post partum depression for this reason....and also lots of financial fears as the reality of being responsible for the raising of this child falls squarely on their shoulders.  Many men also throw themselves into their jobs as a reaction to this.....and end up working too much.  Guard yourselves from doing this.  Mom needs you at home, the baby needs you too.  You’ll get more and more comfortable with your new roll as dad, *with* the more time you spend doing it.  And Moms......*try* to reserve a little of your attention at the end of your day for Dad.  Don’t forget him.  Many moms are ‘touched out’ at this point at the end of the day.......this is normal.....you’ll adjust to all this new life eventually.......everyone just needs to be patient and try to remember each other.  :)

10.  Fertility & Sex.  Ha!!  First, you’d have to actually *want* to have sex.....well, Mom I mean, not Dad.  He always wants it.  :)  You need to wait until at least enough time for her uterus have returned to normal....which is usually 4-6 weeks.  That’s the physical healing.  But, if Mom is exhausted, it could take even longer.  Just be patient.  She also might be scared of sex......especially if she had stitches or a cesarean section.  The key here is ‘slowly’............when she’s finally ready, she’ll need you to go ‘very slow’.....like she was a virgin again.  And use lots of lubrication....when we’re breastfeeding, we tend to be dry vaginally.  Astroglide is a great product that you can get at any drug store.  Another note.....her breasts might be ‘off limits’ to your for awhile......first, you’ll get the same response as the baby does with any nuzzling (milk anyone?  :)  )  plus.....it takes many women some time to learn how to quickly switch the hat from ‘mother’ to ‘lover’.  We’re supposed to feel nurturing when the baby does that........then a few minutes later, we’re supposed to feel sexy when Dad does that.  See?  It is a skill that can and will be learned, but some of us take a little longer than others.  Again, patience is the key here.  But, back to fertility.......DO NOT rely on breastfeeding for contraception.  If you do not want to get pregnant again right away, you MUST use some birth control from the very first time onward.  Condoms, sponges, diaphragms.........non-hormonal forms are usually best when breastfeeding.

11.       Family & friends.  Balance companionship with rest tricks......Have a one day open house to show the baby off, where everyone comes from say 1-3.......rather than a few people every day dribbling in.......that will exhaust her.....the daily visits.  Another trick is to put on your bathrobe when you answer the door, to remind the visitors you’re still recovering.  Put a sign on the door when you are napping.  Put a message on the voice mail.  Turn the phones off when you rest.  Then, when friends or family call and say ‘Congratulations!!  Can I do anything to help??”  Say  “YES”.  As them to bring you a meal.....or come do some laundry, or vacuum your floor.  Most people mean it sincerely......and if they do not, they’ll never offer insincerely again!!  :)  Lastly, if family is coming to ‘help’......make sure they know they’re coming to help with the housework.......you do NOT need anyone coming to help with the baby while YOU do the housework.  Anyone coming to help should free you up from your other responsibilities so that you can spend all your time learning how to be a Mom.

12.       Freedom.  Not easy to find afterwards.......life will never be the same.  It will be better, but not the same.  So, take time NOW to fill up your ‘couple’ bank account.....do spontaneity NOW while you still can......if you feel like an ice cream cone at 10pm, go get it.  The beach, Sunday & 6?  Go.  You’ll get your lives back eventually.......but, even with a breastfed baby, which is MUCH easier to travel with, there is *nothing* spontaneous about newborns.........except, maybe......the explosive diapers!  :)

Enjoy your babies!!!

**based on a talk originally given by Joyce Haines, my first birthing mentor